No Place Like Home

I was allowed to go home today after proving I could shower without passing out. I really  wanted to just crawl back into bed after the shower, but powered my way through it and convinced everyone I was up to going home. Good thing my cousin sent my a soft puffy pillow which worked great for the ride home. New foobs (fake boobs - although mine are more like toobs, tummy boobs) and seat-belts don't really go well together. I still feel puffy, sore and the skin is a bit raw under the surgical bra and abdominal binder and I just hope this is worth it. Sitting up is a challenge with the tummy scar going nearly hip to hip. In the words of Robert Louis Stevenson "Vanity dies hard." The things we put ourselves through just to feel like women. I mean really, removing tummy fat to build foobs? It's great, it's awesome, it hurts like hell. I tell myself by this time next year they will feel like a part of me, but right now I am they throb and I am uber aware of them. 

Have a strange sensation in the back of my left arm as well; it is overly sensitive to everything, which is a result of the lymph-node extraction. My surgeon says it will go away eventually, probably when I loose all feeling in the back of my arm. Awesome. One more thing to look forward to. My arms are bruised where the IVs were, they had to take the IVs out of my right as they were getting bruised and tender and had a hard time getting them in my left arm. Add pincushion to the list of sensations I'm dealing with. Maybe I can just hibernate for the next six weeks.

Glad to be home where Mom has set me up in the recliner. This will be my home for the next few weeks, at least until I can manage to get out of bed on my own. The forcing of fluids requires the ability to get up several times during the night. Mika is glad to see me, but is not sure what to make of all of it and seems to keep her distance. Can't really blame her, I'm not sure what to make of it either, but at least we seem to be making progress.


"Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have - life itself." — Walter Anderson

The Hospital Life

Every day is a little better, at least that's what I'm telling myself. I have been using the morphine less and less, and they actually started me on oral meds today. That is one less IV I am hooked up to and one step closer to being allowed to go home. The catheter also was removed, so now I actually have to get up to go to the bathroom. It takes a while to get up and unhooked from everything, so I have to call the nurse well before I actually have to go. We will see how well that goes, I mean what could possibly go wrong? They had to move my IV from my right side to my left due to bruising and swelling. I'm still getting fluids through the IV and it's highly interesting when I have to get up and do my walk about. Also have to de-attach from the breast monitors and attach the grenades; it's a process, but it feels good to get up and out of bed. Having been making short walkabouts around the ward in the evening. Nursing staff says I'm making good progress. I've been coughing and wheezing a bit, not sure what to make of that, I guess too much time on my back and not enough time doing my breathing exercises. Baby steps.

Dr R stopped by again with pathology report. It looks like the chemo did not kill all the cancer in my breast. He is confident however, that the surgery got it all and radiation will not be necessary. The fact that my cancer did not completely respond to the chemo makes me a little uncertain about what that means for the future, but I am now glad I decided to do chemo before surgery. Next time I see the oncologist I'm sure he'll have more to say about it. The doctor doing the rounds for my plastic surgeon says everything looks good and is responding well. The blood flow and oxygen levels in the breasts are good so it looks like I'll get to keep them.

Had a number of friends drop by this week, it was good to see them and talk. Also got a cookie basket from work, they were all shaped like tech stuff, computers, CDs, etc. Too bad I'm still on mushy foods, Mom is sacrificing and eating some for me. I am moving up from broth to oatmeal. Trying not to get too excited. Tomorrow maybe real food, well solid hospital food any way. There is a possibility that I may be able to go home tomorrow. I have to prove I am capable of taking care of myself, well along with my support staff. We will see how I feel after I get up and shower tomorrow. That is the next milestone. I certainly need to shower, but the four grenades make doing anything interesting and slow. Good thing the hospital bathroom is huge with lots of room for people to help me when I need it.

Of course on top of all of this is the news that Congress may shutdown the government rather than pass a budget. Yup no paycheck would just make my year. Trying not to dwell on that, nothing I can do about it, but still, these people really need a conscience and a clue. I must concentrate on those things I can control. Sit up, get up, walk, get stronger.

Post Op Day One-Hello Girls

Somewhat of a restless night, had to be checked every hour so really didn't get much sleep but still feel somewhat rested.  Must be that eight hours of anesthesia. Nurses have a little dopler they use to check for blood flow in the new breasts. They feel somewhat numb and poofy all at the same time. It's hard to explain, I know they're there, I can slightly feel when people touch them, but they don't feel like they are a part of me. Not yet anyway. I have little monitors on each breast that check the oxygen level and they actually glow, so I'm my own little night light. Also have a post-surgical bra and girdle and my movements are very restricted. I feel very helpless and briefly wonder if reconstruction was such a good idea.

Surgery went well, no complications; however, they did find some cancer in the lymph nodes. Dr R ended up taking out all the lymph nodes on my left side. There was also still a lump in my breast. Dr. R came by last night and said they will have the pathology of those probably Wednesday or Thursday and then will decide how to proceed. So hoping it's nothing, but will deal with it, whatever it is. Surprisingly I have a large private room with a view so at least there is no arguing with anyone as to what to watch on TV. I have had three nurses so far R, D and J. All very good and personable. 

This morning I got the breakfast of champions Jell-O and chicken broth. Pain is manageable with the morphine but the worst of it is actually my left shoulder (due to lymph node extraction I would guess). I think I'll get a lot if reading done while I'm here. Silly me I actually brought a copy of my dissertation to edit, but am extremely doubtful that will make it out of the backpack. Mom & Dad will be by some time after 10 but won't stay more than a couple of hours as Mika is the priority. I certainly know my place in the pecking order, and yes, it is behind the dog. I am hopeful that tomorrow I will be able to get up and get out of bed.

Not The Nicest of Farewells

So it's my last day with all original equipment, and what do I do? I go to the hospital and have a needle put into my left breast to insert a radioactive tracer. Um ouch. When Dr P said it would burn he really meant it. The needle was bad, but bearable, but I mean ouch to the material itself. An hour later and I can still feel it. I finally get a cute young  doctor and he's in the room for all of five minutes putting a needle into my bared breast. Sigh there really is no such thing as modesty when you have breast cancer.

After the injection the lab tech L used the machine I was lying on to take a picture and make sure the dye was moving towards the lymph nodes. This will help Dr R tomorrow find the lymph nodes (He actually uses a little Geiger counter. I'm radioactive enough to set off alarms at the airport, or so I've been told. Tempting, but I don't think I'll check it out.) I could see the radioactive material start to spread as I watched the screen for the three minutes it took to take the image. 

Spent quite a bit of time doing paperwork. Hopefully that means the check-in at 5:30 AM tomorrow won't be too bad; other than the fact that it's at 5:30 AM.  At least I get to be unconscious for most of the day tomorrow.  Well here's hoping all goes as it should and I should wake up tomorrow afternoon with a brand new set of tatas.  I guess now I really can get that t-shirt that says "Yes they're fake my real ones tried to kill me."

A Testing We Will Go

So one more thing to do before surgery, besides having to go in the day before to get radioactive sentinel dye put in. (I mean how many times do I get radioactive dye before the super powers kick in?) Had to make a trip to the hospital to get blood tests, chest X-rays, EKG and a partridge in a pear tree. Any negative results can derail my surgery. Let's hope nothing else is wrong with me, physically at least. Now if I could just shut the brain off and get a good night's sleep, that would be awesome, but I'm not holding my breath. At least Mom and Dad get released to go home for a few days.  They're going to see plenty of me after surgery I'm sure a little time back home is welcome. 

So This is What It's Like to be a Ping-Pong Ball

So back to plastics again.  This time to meet with the surgical nurse so she can tell me thing that directly contradict what Dr R said. Sigh. She gave me a 25 page booklet that we went over front to back that contained all the dos, don'ts and time to panics. Most horrifying of all I have to stop drinking coffee and no chocolate as of ... right now.  I can't even drink tea. And I have a coupon for a free Starbucks and I'll get another freebie for my birthday.  Good free coffee going to waste, and it's even Pumpkin Spice Latte time.  The things I have to give up in order to get better. I warned everyone at work that I'll be going through withdrawal. This is not going to be fun.

I of course had myself convinced when they said 4-6 weeks that I'd manage to get back to work after 4 weeks. H seems to think that is highly unlikely and I should just come to terms with 6 weeks. No driving for 3 weeks. No lifting anything more than 10 pounds, no reaching above my head, and I will be wearing the surgical girdle and bra all the time. Oh and I get to pin four drainage grenades to them.  These have to be emptied and measured several times a day. She did recommend buying some white undershirts and cutting them down the middle to wear underneath. At least they can be washed.  Even showering is going to be interesting; have to face away from the water and no washcloths or bath sponges. Just get to lather and drip while attaching the grenades to um, well I guess I can hold them in my teeth. Actually she recommended  lanyard like I use for my work ID. The dog is so not coming near me after about the first week. No repetitive movements either, she explicitly said no housework, so there's something. Now if I can just get my dissertation done during this time.   

Surprise - It's Another Doctor's Visit

So now that my insides are all nice and clean it's time to go back to Dr R. Luckily the effects of the anesthesia wore of rather quickly so I was fully awake while waiting over an hour to see him. Just once I would like to see the doctor, any  doctor, within 30 minutes of when I'm actually scheduled for. Is that too much to ask? Of course it is.

Anyway, now that plastics is on board we discussed the next step - surgery. I decided not to have the lymph nodes removed on the right side, see very little benefit for the pain. I did not realize that I could actually lose some functionality on the left side due to lymph node extraction. Fun. Will have to pay close attention to any swelling in that arm. The biopsy of the lymph nodes will be done before any reconstruction begins as Dr R will have to go back and take them all out if anything is found. During that time Dr A and his partner will be removing my pudge of a belly. If only they would take some from other places as well. 

Dr R mentioned that a number of women who think they want a lumpectomy and then choose chemo first end up changing their mind and go with the mastectomy. I mean the last 8 months have been so much fun who wouldn't want to do it again? Not me. Take them both, but lord I wish the aftermath wasn't so well, aftermathie.  Pain and drainage and tired and sore oh my. Only another 4-6 after surgery and maybe life can start to get back to normal.     

Now I know how a Muppet feels!

Today joy oh joy I had my colonoscopy and my endoscopy. Of course the good times started yesterday when on top of not being able to eat (thanks for bringing pizza with you Mom and Dad) I got to drink some Suprep and get caught up on my reading while hanging out on the porcelain throne. The bathroom will never be the same again, even with the burning candles. Then at 2am I had the privileged to get up and take my second dose followed by 32 ounces of water.  Not a very restful night. Luckily there were Mythbuster reruns on to keep me company while I forced the fluids.

My appointment was at 7am, showed up with my entourage bright eyed and bushy tailed at 6:30. The nice receptionist pointed out the bathroom for me without my even needing to ask. This was probably the shortest waiting time I have ever had though. I think the procedure may have even started before 7am. We were done before 8 even with the two procedures. Of course I was out for most of it. There was that moment of "there goes the last of the dignity" when you are told to turn onto your left side so your hospital gown can clearly show off your posterior to everyone in the room. Shortly after that I got a mouth guard, supposedly to protect my teeth and the scope, but really I think it's so they don't hear the whimpering. The anesthesiologist did his work though and the next thing I remember is waking up.

After woozily getting dressed I was joined by Mom and Dad to get the results. Dr A sat and went over everything. The colonoscopy was clear in the end. No polyps or anything, but will be getting colonoscopies yearly for a while just in case. I just can't wait for the next one. The endoscopy however, was abnormal. Sigh. The pressure I was feeling was due to an ulcer and there is sign of esophageal damage due to acid reflux.  Some of this may be due to the chemo, we will have follow-ups to see. There was also a nodule found and removed. This will be biopsied and I will get the results on Wednesday. Here's hoping for better results than the last pathology report I received. Now for breakfast.

In The Mean Time Let's Go To Another Doctor

Months ago I had extended genetic testing done after being diagnosed with breast cancer due to lack of known family history. The test results showed a mutation associated with gastrointestinal polyposis. The exact nature of this increased risk of colon cancer is unknown but after discussion with my genetics counselor and oncology surgeon we decided it would be best to check for polyps sooner rather than later. Since I'm looking at extensive medical bills this year I wanted to get the testing done this year in hopes of hitting my out of pocket maximum. Besides, surgery still hasn't been set yet so might as well do this to pass the time. 

My gastroenterologist Dr A was very personable and has previously worked in conjunction with my oncology surgeon. His staff was also really friendly and concerned about my current fight. He was in agreement with getting checked out due to what was shown in the genetic tests. The decision was to do an endoscopy and a colonoscopy, oh joy oh joy. I've had some discomfort under the lower part of my rib cage, but have assumed that was due to all the weight I have gained. I guess we'll see if it's due to something else. 

After checking the schedule it was decided we would get the procedure done Monday. I mean hey, why wait. That gives me just enough time to do the prep. Dr A agreed that the prep is worse than the procedure and gave me some hints on how to get the Suprep down. Oh I can't wait. 

Got news today that the surgery will be September 23rd. I was actually hoping for earlier, but what can you do. On the bright side that means I may actually get to enjoy my birthday. Well at least I won't have to spend my birthday in the hospital. This year it's the little things.

Yet Another Visit I Never Thought I'd Have

Today I went to Plastic, Reconstructive Microsurgical Associates (PRMA) with Mom and Dad. This was a tough visit. It is not easy coming to terms with such a large surgery as a bi-lateral mastectomy with reconstruction. At first we sat and watched a movie about all the different options. Mom wanted to know if I was willing to forgo the reconstruction, but that is just not an option for me. I was surprised at how long the recovery period was going to be, 4-6 weeks if everything goes right. I was expecting 2-3 weeks. Now it looks like I'll have to go through all my leave and take FMLA time. That on top of furlough this should pretty much wipe out my bank account. I'm also not sure what type of situation I'm going to be returning to at work, things are a bit unstable to say the least these days. We will be transferring from Army to Air Force on the first of October and that's the easy change going on.

Dr A was not the most personable of the doctors I've been dealing with, but he is very knowledgeable and experienced and that's what counts. He took his time to go over all the options, risks, and possible outcomes. I will be doing a DIEP flap surgery which uses excess skin and fat from the abdomen (rather like a tummy tuck) to construct a more natural breast without the need for implants or the sacrifice of abdominal muscle. Finally I get something out of this experience but surprisingly the surgeon said I actually don't have enough tummy to rebuild my breasts to the same size. I guess I'll have to start padding my bras or eat a lot of cheesecake between now and then. Hm an excuse to eat.

This is probably the closest I've come to tears since this whole process began. It's just a bit overwhelming. I'm also not sure what all of this is going to mean as far as being able to go to Gainesville to defend my dissertation and attend graduation. I am getting responses back for the third round and will start doing the final analysis soon. Maybe I can use the recovery time to finish my dissertation. Now back to waiting for surgery to be scheduled, I just love waiting.

Labor Day

Made another trip to Austin for the long weekend to take advantage of the whirlpool tub. Boy do the muscles enjoy the long soak in there. Too bad the effects don't last longer. Still on the pain meds for aching muscles, really thought I'd be over that by now. Will probably feel better just about the time I have surgery. Fingers and toes and still tingly, it makes grabbing things and typing very interesting when you can't feel the tip of your fingers. I am a certified menace in the kitchen. Still retaining water too, my ankles and feet are huge. If only there was a way to get the water from my ankles to my lawn I could single-handedly fix the drought.

Impatiently waiting for round 3 responses to my dissertation survey. Last round, but only 8 replies so far. If I don't get at least 15 everything up to this point will be meaningless. No pressure. Would like to work on the results section while in hospital (is that twisted?). Time to start sending out the begging and pleading emails. How pathetic can one sound while still being professional?

Work is unbelievable these days. The Ed Tech Dept has started calling themselves Academic Support Support  (I'll let you figure out the acronym). We're considering getting t-shirts made. We are now highly paid data entry personnel - whee! Knew leadership would bring changes but having leadership which holds furlough days against you is highly demoralizing. The one perk we had was flexible hours, that has now been kicked to the curb. Walking around you see a lot of computer screens showing USA Jobs. I am not in a position where I can bail, maybe they will settle down by the time I'm healthy enough to start looking. Hear that, that's the sound of me not holding my breathe. Right now the powers that be have managed to do what cancer could not, make me not give a .....