Bring On Round 2

Chemo round two. Saw Dr. B first and got EKG results. All normal. At least something was normal. Blood work surprisingly was well, normal, including white blood counts. Surprised but happy. Means I was good to go for second-round of poisoning. Hair is still falling out. Surprisingly being the really short is even more annoying than when it was shoulder length. Harder to clean up. Still waiting for the arm and leg hair to fallout though, it just doesn't seem right that I still  need to shave. I mean come on, give me something. 

Treatment went smoothly, no headache this time. Met some very nice people today, shared experience leads to shared comfort.  In the afternoon I start to feel a little headache coming on but not as bad as the first time. guess it is just time for a nap. 

Someday soon I will have to send the dissertation to my adviser and hopefully to my committee. Can't wait to do a defense with a chemo brain.

Dissertation Proposal, the Response

Was pleasantly surprised at my adviser's response to my proposal. He feels I'm ready to schedule the defense. Can't say I'm unhappy about the kind words and support, but I did expect to do some more work. Not that there isn't work to be done, but first thing to do is put together my presentation and schedule four professors for my proposal defense. Now if I can just remember what I wrote. I know this stuff, I really do, but it's getting harder and harder to string two sentences together in a manner that makes any sense, even to myself. I hate feeling incompetent, unprepared, or just plane stupid. I know I haven't completely lost my mind but I'm having a hard time finding it these days. I often feel like I'm faking it these days, those long pauses aren't for deep thinking, they're for trying to remember the most basic things, like my name. I am so glad for the support I have from my parents, relatives, Facebook group, coworkers and others. I know I couldn't do this alone. Now to put some notes together so I can pretend to know what I'm talking about.

Oh and that Dissertation Thingy

I finally submitted my dissertation proposal today. Only three months later than I had wanted to, but hey, at least I have an excuse now right? At least that's what I'm telling myself. We'll see how many edits there are and how much work there is to do before I can do the proposal defense. Luckily a couple of my cohort members to a good swipe at it first. Can't wait for the defense with the brain stuck in neutral. Luckily I don't have to go to Gainesville to do the defense, I can do it online. Good thing for technology. I will still have to go when and if I have to do the actual defense at the end of this thing, but first thing first. Get the proposal approved, get the IRB approved, figure out how to get experts to volunteer for my survey panel. No problem, it will be easy I'm sure. Yah right. There's my friend denial again.

 

H-Day

Well it's finally started, the hair started falling out Tuesday night. I knew it was coming, still I somehow hoped I would be saved from it. Yup I still got boat floating on that river in Egypt. It's a mess, hair everywhere. Decided to have it shaved today to give me the weekend to get used to it. Did not realize it would actually be irritating and the scalp would be so sensitive. It's as if I can feel every little follicle of hair trying to pull out of my scalp. Hope I don't have a warped shaped head. Maybe it'll be coned shaped and I can get a job on Saturday Night Live.

We take the bar stool out to the backyard and dad went to town with his clippers. Straight down the middle, no turning back now. Not completely bald, left about three quarters of an inch. Hopefully the birds will be happy with all that nest filler. Mom took pictures while I was being shaved. It wasn't quite as hard as I thought it would be, but then that might just be more denial. Posted pictures on my Facebook group and everyone was very kind.

In the meantime poor Mika has been diagnosed with arthritis. Poor puppy is now on meds too. Boy is she expensive, but silly girl is worth it.

Still Looking

Met with a genetic counselor again as Blue Cross will cover all but 75$ the genetic panel for 22 markers. In my eyes this test looks worth it. Some of it is for breast cancer and some is for other cancers so might give me a good idea as to what to keep an eye out for in the future. But as we know just because there isn't something genetic that doesn't mean you're in the clear. 

As with so many things there's a lot of grey area when it comes to genetic tests. Results can come back positive, negative or we really aren't sure. Takes a lot of data before they can convulsively make a connection. Will take several months to get results but again that should be okay as they should have no real impact on my current progress and my current decision-making. This is for decisions down the road. Might as well do it now see what it says and put the money towards my $5000 deductible for the year. No reason to not take advantage of everything I can get out of the insurance company as they will certainly take everything they can from me.

In the meantime the dissertation work has continued. I finally sent Chapters 1-3 to a couple of cohort members for review. Thank God for their help. Their input will be invaluable. 

Science Isn't Always the Answer

After Look Good Feel Better I see my genetic counselor K. She already told me the BRCA1 & BRCA2 were negative. In a way that's a good thing is I've got a lower chance of recurrence; however, part of me wanted to know there is a reason I have breast cancer this young (or let's be honest, simply why I have it at all). There is still some grey area in the heredity issue so we decide to check with Blue Cross Blue Shield to see if they will pay for the extended genetics panel. This will not really impact anything for the current situation however, it may give me more information moving forward. Information is power, I feel better having more information. I had rather know especially since I still feel that there should be some genetic reason why. There has to be some reason why. Shouldn't there? I had briefly played with the idea of looking for my adoption records but decided this is the better way to go anyway as there's no guarantee any of this would show up in records almost 40 years old.

NOTE: Genetic counselor called a couple days later and Blue Cross Blue Shield will cover the extended panel for $75 co-pay. This so seems worth it to me. I will go back on Monday to give more spit.

Look good feel Better

Went to my first face-to-face support group today. The American Cancer Society hosted a support group meeting Look Good Feel Better. This included free make up, wig care and other support information. It lasted almost two hours and it was helpful to hear from other survivors. As I really haven't seen many physical side effects yet such as the dry mouth, hair loss, loss of eyebrows etc. it is interesting to hear from others further along the way and how they coped. There is a lot of good information on what to do what not to do and who to ask. 

The facilitator was also a survivor and shared some of her story and triumphs and hardships. I got a free bag of make up out of  it, some of which I hope may use. Again I rarely use make up before and I'm not sure that I'll feel the energy to try to fake it. However you never know, that just might be what I need. Some of the cover-up and the moisturizers I'm sure I will use. It was hard seeing some of the other people there and seeing what they were going through. At the same time it's good to know that there are people out there to help and support you. And while no two stories are the same, each story of survival is a wonder to behold, each step of courage to be celebrated, and each of these women is a survivor to be celebrated. There is no wrong way to cope, except giving up.