It's Wednesday, the day after my annual exam. Went to get my mammogram done. Mentioned in passing to my boss what was going on, but neither of us think much of it. It's just a precaution. This is not a lack of concern on her part; she like me, and so many others in their 30s and 40s just do not let themselves go there. After all why choose fear? Why believe the worst when there seems to be no reason to? I almost didn't even say anything, but there was this voice ...
Yes, everything they say about mammograms is true. Poor little breasts. I can definitely tell the left breast is more tender. I sit and wait in my stunning hospital gown as the radiologist looks at the scans and decides if he wants to do an ultrasound. Another woman is waiting and we talk. She discusses how she once had a fibrous mass and had to get an ultrasound, but it was nothing. Somehow this makes me feel better, but of course I am not her. She gets excused, they see no reason she cannot go. I start looking at the literature. Oh maybe it's a cyst? Hmm, what is this about a biopsy? Oh, man I don't want that. Finally they let me know they want to do an ultrasound. Still Dr had mentioned they probably would. This does not make me worried. At least I won't admit to it.
I try not to jump to conclusions as the ultrasound technician seems to take a very long time and does a very thorough job even looking at my lymph nodes in my arm pit. She can see something, I'm sure, but she never lets on. She is friendly and we chat about little things. Once she has left to go talk to the radiologist my mind starts working overtime. Still, I am sure it is nothing serious. I don't have time for anything serious. I have edits to a paper to make, a dissertation to write, work to get back to, and a dog that needs to be walked and fed. After all, all I do is for the happiness of the dog.
Finally got called in to see the radiologist. He had the ultrasound pictures on the screen to show me. He was very forward as he pointed out a mass in my left breast and said the word malignant. A lump about 3 1/2 cm that needed to be biopsied as soon as possible. He tried to be reassuring talking about someone else who had similar results and was doing just fine. But somehow it doesn't help. I am not her. This cannot be right. There is some mistake.
They were already booked for appointments on Friday, but would call her to see if they could get me in as the woman doing it traveled between several offices. Did I need anything? Kleenex? Had a hard time getting my clothes out of my locker. I think the expectation was that I would fall apart right there in the office. I knew if I did I would never be able to make the drive home. Put it in automatic. See if they can get me an appointment for Friday. Put my clothes on. They can't get a hold of her, they leave a message and will get back to me. If she is unavailable to add an appointment on Friday they will schedule one early next week. They will call and let me know. All I can do is walk to my car and make myself drive home.
I feed Mika and sit on the couch waiting for the phone to ring. I want to cry, I want it to be yesterday when there was nothing wrong, I want to call my mother; but I need to get this piece in place first. Do I have an appointment for Friday? The phone finally rings, the appointment is for Friday Feb 8th.
I try to call Mom, she doesn't answer. How dare she not answer? I need her. I call Dad's cell phone, but by this time all is lost. I am a crying wreck and he has no idea what I am trying to tell him. After all, why would I be calling him to tell him I have breast cancer? Finally the words get through. They are on their way. It's about an hour and a half drive from their home to mine plus time to pack. I call them back after a few minutes saying it's alright if they do not come down tonight, after all, I'll be going into work the next day, what could they do? But I did want them there for the biopsy on Friday. Do you want to be alone was the question. No, I don't want to be alone. And I wasn't. Just please, don't say anything to anyone yet. Not yet, I still have hope that it is nothing. Why worry people when it could all be a big mistake?
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