Nipplerollaphobia

Every day when I take off my bra and all my nipple protective padding there is that moment when I wonder if today is the day I'm going to see one of those nipples fall off and roll down on the floor. I mean nobody has time for nipplerollaphobia. These are the things nightmares are made of.

Today I had my first follow-up visit with PRMA to check the status of the latest surgical revisions.  Nurse H was happy with the progress. Only comment was to make the holes in the nursing pads bigger and stop taping them to my breast.  They should now be stuck to the bra itself.  This has lead to some interesting logistical problems.  How does on know where to place the pads and their nipple holes before the bra is on?  Sharpie anyone?  There is probably some geometric formula for this, but I must have been sick that day. Luckily it wasn't a question on the GRE. Still working on a best practice for this one.  Currently it is still a two woman job.  I am sure some day Mom would love to go home, so at some point we will work out some genius way I can do this myself.

So H said I was past the stage where I needed to worry about my nipples falling off; I only need to be concerned if they turn black. Oh yes, much better. 

"When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold.  They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful."  ~Barbara Bloom

Ah Vanity

I am a week out from the latest surgery. While not as difficult as the first surgery I feel I have lost all the gains I had made. Not sleeping well still. My back still bothers me from the shingles and the hot flashes are very well timed to occur every 1-2 hours so I wake up either hot or freezing and have to adjust the cover situation.  Makes for a less than restful night and the brain is definitely on the fuzzy side.

They seem to have given me a surgical bra one size too small and the foobs are none too happy with it. Luckily I still have the old bra from the last surgery.  I wonder how long after surgery before you could decide the nipples are going to stay in place not be going rolling down the hall. Every time I pull off all my layers in order to take a shower there is always a slight moment of anxiety as I check to make sure they're still where they are supposed to be. Ah vanity, the things we do in your name. Is it wrong to want to keep the nipples actually attached to the breasts? I wonder why our body image makes up so much of who we are, or at least who we think we are. I sometimes wonder how I would handle not having breasts at all. However the idea of not having reconstruction never was a serious one for me. Some day I will wake up feeling normal and hopefully I will feel it was all worth it.

Work on the dissertation continues, and I am actually making progress. Will be sending out a couple of chapters to have some cohort members review. Still not looking forward to having to travel, but that is still weeks away, so no sense worrying about that yet. There are plenty of other things to worry about between now and then. Or perhaps denial will be the way to go. A nice leisurely trip to Egypt may be on the horizon.

"It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept." - Bill Watterson

or  maybe

"I reject your reality and substitute my own!" - Adam Savage quoting Dr Who

Reconstruction Part 2

And so it begins again. One more visit to the hospital to be knocked unconscious and have men rearrange my body. On one hand it is really amazing what they can do, on the other hand is there no such thing as modesty anymore? Abandon all hope ye who enter here. This is just one more step in the process, and one more step closer to being done. Surgery didn't start until 1:00 so there was no having to show up at crack of dawn, of course that was more time to go without food or drink. There is always a trade-off I guess. Had a different anesthesiologist this time, another retired Air Force doc. He mentioned I was still anemic and that there was an extra long beat showing on my EKG. However, he didn't feel that it was significant, and could even be from the positioning of the wires. The body is slowly bouncing back.

My plastic surgeon got out the sharpie and marked everything he was going to work on, but overall he was happy with the shape from the first surgery. I guess that is good, should mean less work to do during this surgery. And less work means easier recovery, right? Right? I hope so. The body and spirit is getting a little tired of all of this. Was a little nauseous coming out of anesthesia this time. Nurse gave me some drug and that helped a lot, but throat was so raw I had a hard time even eating saltines. Ah saltines, the food of champions. No hospital stay this time, we got to bundle me up and head home just about the middle of rush hour. Guess I should have taken a little longer recuperating, but I really wanted out of there.

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.'" - Eleanor Roosevelt

It's OK if WHAT happens?

Had another pre-op visit with H at PRMA today. This time is for revision and nipple creation (how odd does that sound?). Surgery should be only 3-4 hours long and the recovery only a week to ten days. I'm taking a week and a half off from work. Hopefully if I remember not to push myself there will be no repeat with the shingles. My back still has nerve pain from that little episode. I was just starting to get back into a routine with work and dissertation. I have even been working out a little at the gym at work. Only half an hour, but still it was a start. I have got some work done on the dissertation as well. Really hoping to get that done by the end of the month.

So, back to the pre-op visit. Don't have to give up coffee this time as there will be no reattaching of blood vessels, so that is  good, for me and everyone around me. Also can stay on allergy meds, which being cedar tree pollen overload time is a good thing. Will have to go get labs done next week to ensure blood counts are in an acceptable range and heart isn't going to poop out on me during anesthesia. Will need to get some nursing pads and cut holes in them to help protect the nipples. The little things will needed padded protection for several weeks. Speaking of nipples, the quote of the day is "it's OK if a nipple falls off and rolls down the hall, we can make you a new one." Huh what? Um no, so not OK. Intellectually I understand what she is saying, it is not medical emergency, it happens, but mentally and emotionally it is so not OK. I don't want to have to go and have this procedure redone, let alone pick one of my nipples up from off the floor. Of all the things to have to worry  about, that was never on my radar.