So Let's Write Another Paper

So what does one do for fun when going through chemo and trying to write a dissertation? You write another paper for publication of course. I decide to work with one of my professors and cohort members on a publication. This one I will first author. I mean if you're going to do it ... I wonder if I'm completely crazy, in denial, or just in need of something to do to help keep the mind occupied. Probably D, all of the above. I hope I haven't agreed to something I can't follow through on. Lord give me strength, and give me the wisdom to learn to say no.  

I decided that I needed something tangible to hold on to to track my progress. A countdown of sorts. I found a beaded necklace at the Pink Ribbon Shop and decide I will add a bead for each round. It comes with six, so will need to get two more at some point. Sometimes you just need something symbolic to hold onto. I know a countdown should start with eight and take one away each time, but then what would I be left with? Nope, might as well have something to show for all of this.

Dissertation Proposal Defense: Seriously

So the mind is mush. I want to go to back to bed and I have a sticky note with my name on it in hopes I don't forget what it is. That is only a slight exaggeration. I really don't feel up for this. I am glad I get to do my proposal defense virtually, I don't even have to be on camera. Just display my brilliant PowerPoint, haha. I really am glad they don't get to see me and my bald head, dark circles, and blank stare. I somehow manage to make it through the presentation. I only skipped one slide completely. I managed to fake my way through the questions and end up with only some minor changes before I can move forward. Next step IRB. We'll see how long that takes. Once that is done I can try to find willing participants. It may all be for naught if I can't find people willing to participate. 

Then again it may all be for naught if I can't get the brain to engage. How much longer can I fake it? I can't seem to compose a coherent sentence or keep a thought in my head. If I don't write it down it's forgotten forever. At least I think it is, I can't remember ...

Poisoning Round 3

This time I had chemo before seeing Dr B. Nurse S did the blood work and everything came back fine so we were good to go for another round of poisoning. Have gained five pounds. I mean seriously, can't I get a break? I blame the steroids, but still I'm going to have to go shopping for a mumu. Wonder if they'll let me wear sweats to work. Treatment went pretty quickly, only one more of this combination, then on to four treatments of the taxotere.  I hear that one can be rough. 

Dr B examined my lump and he concurs with my assessment that it is smaller. That's a good sign and we'll continue with the chemo.  I worked from home only one day after the last round, so all in all not too bad  as far as side-effects. Still I feel so tired. And what's with the hair around my ankles? Seriously? It falls out from everywhere except my lower legs. There is truly no justice in this world. I wish my eyebrow would finish falling out. They seem to have started in the middle and are slowly working their way out. Well it's a look.

Talk at work is that we may be down from 22 furlough days to 14. Why is it too much to ask for our elected officials to work things out without making people suffer for political points? I really need to win the lottery so I can afford my own private island. 

30s and 40s Support Group

Went to another support group today. Sometimes I still wonder if I'm in denial. Some women today seem to be overly fearful; no raw veggies, afraid to drink out of a water bottle, afraid to eat all. Why chose fear? I understand wanting answers, wanting a reason, but you still have to move forward. I don't I don't know why I got cancer so I don't know what to do or not to do in the future. Maybe it was all that Aqua Net in the girls locker room in High School. The 80s were pretty toxic as far as hair care products. I understand this is a frightening but all we can do is our best. Each woman is having a different experience of course and responding differently as well as coming from a different place, I must always remember never to compare.

Surprisingly I had my period this week. I guess we'll see what happens from here on out, if I ever have another one. Doctor says I may and I may not. I guess I will always have be prepared. Whee!