The Power of Friendship

Last night I had a dream, and I rarely remember my dreams so this is odd. But they say dreams are where the subconscious goes to work so I guess it shouldn't be too surprising. Over the last three years between working on my doctorate and a couple of job changes I must admit I have been less than a good friend. I have missed, and painfully been excluded, from some important moments in my friends lives. Instead of taking the exclusion as a wake-up call I do what I always do, I pull away even more. So is it any surprise that when I asked for support all I got from some is silence? Why would I expect support from those whose lives I am no longer a part of? I guess I truly have grown selfish in my old age. In my dream I got yelled at by an old friend for something, can't remember what exactly, but I woke up realizing that I was hurt by their silence over the past 9 months. And maybe it's just that they don't know what to say and not apathy, but maybe it's just too late and I let those friendships die well before Feb. 

Over the past few years I have let the job changes, the school work, and the weight of old wounds be my excuse for being a terrible excuse of a friend. Why be surprised when others pull back as I have done? The sad thing is I am not sure I will be better after this. That "I have a second chance, I'm a completely different person" epiphany just hasn't happened. Maybe once I'm off the drugs, but look here I am making excuses. I need to force myself to reengage with the world around me. To be worthy or the love and support I have gotten over the last months.

But enough of the sad, for honestly I have been overwhelmed by the love and support I have received. Saw old family friends this week and now my brother and sister-in-law are here. Friends from work dropped by earlier this week and they often check in via text. The cards and little gifts have been overwhelming, especially those from relatives I didn't even know I had. Every time someone spends the time to just say I'm thinking about you I am grateful. And of course Mom and Dad who have given up their life this year to take care of me and the mutt. I couldn't do it without you. There are lessons here about the power of friendship, of how the little things matter, and of the trite but oh so correct mantra of don't wait until it's too late. 

To everyone who has been there for me, I can honestly say I don't think I could do this without you.  You are amazing people, and I am beyond blessed for having you in my life. I hope some day I can pay it forward.

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand." — Henri Nouwen