Ugh

Each time I go through chemo I think I know what's coming and yet I'm always taken by surprise. I keep hoping this time I'll be better prepared, better able to cope, but I should know better by now. This morning takes me by surprise. I don't know where that Mack truck came from but I think it stopped and backed-up a couple of times. I wonder if that light at the end of the tunnel is a good thing or just the freight train coming. I don't know why my hands and feet are numb and swollen, I guess it really doesn't matter; in fact why is inconsequential, it's just a matter of dealing with it. I keep having to remind myself that in the scheme of things this is just a little thing. So many others out there in pain and suffering more than I am. That doesn't negate my journey, but it is hard not to compare. I do not fear beating this, but I do wonder who I will be at the end of this journey. Things have changed in my life, it would be a lie to say differently. Keep going back and forth between wanting to curl up and let the world just go bye, and wanting to hold on to people and relationships that I once took for granted. Yet at the same time I feel guilty every time I ask friends to go out of their way for support. The thoughts that go through your head at 2 AM are sometimes just not helpful, but what can you do? Take some pain meds, drink some Pink Magic, soak in the tub, and scratch the puppy's belly. Keep working, writing, walking and trust that next year you will be stronger, wiser, and better.