Now when I say I'm doing fine, that may be a lie. A lie to you (after all do you really want to know about the pain, fatigue, bloating, yucky mouth, hot flashes, forgetfulness ...) and a lie to me. Just pretend its fine and it will be right? There is a fine line between denial, courage, and stupidity. I seem to wobble on that line every day. At any moment I expect someone to call me out on the fact that I'm faking it, that I can't seem to focus or think straight. Some days it's all I can do to form a complete sentence, and yet here I am trying to fill in as Department Head, write a dissertation, finish a paper for publication, and oh yah let's write a blog. So why do it? Why keep trying to act like my legs aren't shaky, my nails aren't brittle, my muscles aren't screaming, and my IQ hasn't dropped by half? It's not just that I'm trying to fake my way through cancer I honestly don't know what else to do. If I let go for a moment I'm afraid I won't get up again even though there are times I just want to curl up in a corner and let the word go by. It feels that if I give up one thing it means I'm quitting and that seems to be the greatest sin of all.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Fear, loathing and faith
I've been asked if I am angry, or if I blame God for my cancer. The honest answer is no. I really haven't felt anger, and I certainly don't think God punishes people by inflicting them with diseases (sorry you wacko televangilists). Why not me? Does anyone deserve this? No, but that doesn't mean I'm going to start smoking, dipping, and doing other things which are related to higher increases of cancer. Do I think we as a people have poisoned this planet willingly turning the air, food, and water toxic so a few may profit. Absolutely but that is a rant for another day. Do I wish there was a cut and dry scientific explanation for why me, you bet. Even a "it was all that ---- you ate or drank or whatever" would put the academic in me more at ease. Maybe some day they will understand more, but for today I choose to move past blame, anger and fear. I refuse to worry about what I should have done differnt as that is in the past, even if I knew what I should have done different I culdn't change it. I don't see God in my cancer, I see God in my healing, in the friends and family who surround me and pray for me, even those I have never met. When I say thank you for praying for me I mean it.
Now when I say I'm doing fine, that may be a lie. A lie to you (after all do you really want to know about the pain, fatigue, bloating, yucky mouth, hot flashes, forgetfulness ...) and a lie to me. Just pretend its fine and it will be right? There is a fine line between denial, courage, and stupidity. I seem to wobble on that line every day. At any moment I expect someone to call me out on the fact that I'm faking it, that I can't seem to focus or think straight. Some days it's all I can do to form a complete sentence, and yet here I am trying to fill in as Department Head, write a dissertation, finish a paper for publication, and oh yah let's write a blog. So why do it? Why keep trying to act like my legs aren't shaky, my nails aren't brittle, my muscles aren't screaming, and my IQ hasn't dropped by half? It's not just that I'm trying to fake my way through cancer I honestly don't know what else to do. If I let go for a moment I'm afraid I won't get up again even though there are times I just want to curl up in a corner and let the word go by. It feels that if I give up one thing it means I'm quitting and that seems to be the greatest sin of all.
Now when I say I'm doing fine, that may be a lie. A lie to you (after all do you really want to know about the pain, fatigue, bloating, yucky mouth, hot flashes, forgetfulness ...) and a lie to me. Just pretend its fine and it will be right? There is a fine line between denial, courage, and stupidity. I seem to wobble on that line every day. At any moment I expect someone to call me out on the fact that I'm faking it, that I can't seem to focus or think straight. Some days it's all I can do to form a complete sentence, and yet here I am trying to fill in as Department Head, write a dissertation, finish a paper for publication, and oh yah let's write a blog. So why do it? Why keep trying to act like my legs aren't shaky, my nails aren't brittle, my muscles aren't screaming, and my IQ hasn't dropped by half? It's not just that I'm trying to fake my way through cancer I honestly don't know what else to do. If I let go for a moment I'm afraid I won't get up again even though there are times I just want to curl up in a corner and let the word go by. It feels that if I give up one thing it means I'm quitting and that seems to be the greatest sin of all.
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