The End of 2013

I finally started writing again. Of course I had to re-read my dissertation to remind myself what it is I was trying to do. Amazing how quickly we can forget even those things that are important to us. I'm sure there was point to all this research, but it's hard to pick up after a several month hiatus; especially one in which the brain took its own little extended vacation.  Oh well, one step at a time and all that. At least I know longer feel as if I need a name tag so I remember who I am.

So will there be a New Year's resolution? I guess it's more of a new life resolution, one that's been building though out this whole mad trip that was 2013. “Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.” ― Mahatma Gandhi. OK, I admit it, I've been doing some soul searching as the end of the year approaches. I even found myself listening to a country song:

I was in my early forties
With a lot of life before me
When a moment came that stopped me on a dime

I spent most of the next days, looking at the x-rays
Talking bout the options and talking bout sweet times

I asked him when it sank in
That this might really be the real end
How's it hit 'cha when you get that kind of news?
Man, what'd ya do?
And he said

I went skydiving
I went rocky mountain climbing
I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu
And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter And I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin'

Tim McGraw - Live Like You Were Dying Lyrics | by Nichols, James Timothy/wiseman, Craig Michael.

I've been skydiving and rocky mountain climbing, but bull riding, not on the bucket list. I get the idea though. Stop waiting for tomorrow, and decide to be the person you want to be today. Over the last couple of years I seem to have forgotten how to be a friend, to myself and others. It just felt like too much effort with too little reward. I've been so stingy with spending money that I have put off doing things I've wanted to do, like traveling. Well, that ended up being a good thing as I kind of needed the extra funds this year, but still. I want to go and see and do things while I'm still young enough (relatively) to do them, and not just see places from the back of the bus. My first instinct was to stay home tonight, but instead I am going to get up, get dressed up, maybe even put on some make-up (maybe) and spend the new year with friends.  My journey is not over yet, still have that surgery in January and numerous follow-ups, and follow-ups to the follow-ups, but it's time to join the living again.

Words cannot express how grateful I am for the family, friends, coworkers, and neighbors who supported me this year. So much gratitude to those who helped me keep a sense of humor, who checked-in, sent cards, and were just a source of strength by their very presence even if that presence was only virtual. This journey could not have been taken without you. You all make me want to be a better person, to be worthy of all that you have done. May you all have a wondrous 2014.

"At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us." - Albert Schweitzer