Ugh

Each time I go through chemo I think I know what's coming and yet I'm always taken by surprise. I keep hoping this time I'll be better prepared, better able to cope, but I should know better by now. This morning takes me by surprise. I don't know where that Mack truck came from but I think it stopped and backed-up a couple of times. I wonder if that light at the end of the tunnel is a good thing or just the freight train coming. I don't know why my hands and feet are numb and swollen, I guess it really doesn't matter; in fact why is inconsequential, it's just a matter of dealing with it. I keep having to remind myself that in the scheme of things this is just a little thing. So many others out there in pain and suffering more than I am. That doesn't negate my journey, but it is hard not to compare. I do not fear beating this, but I do wonder who I will be at the end of this journey. Things have changed in my life, it would be a lie to say differently. Keep going back and forth between wanting to curl up and let the world just go bye, and wanting to hold on to people and relationships that I once took for granted. Yet at the same time I feel guilty every time I ask friends to go out of their way for support. The thoughts that go through your head at 2 AM are sometimes just not helpful, but what can you do? Take some pain meds, drink some Pink Magic, soak in the tub, and scratch the puppy's belly. Keep working, writing, walking and trust that next year you will be stronger, wiser, and better.

And the Research Goes On

Oh yeah the dissertation continues. A three round Delphi study? What was I thinking? Well I guess I wasn't thinking I'd have cancer while trying to do dissertation research. Silly girl. Currently I am trying to do qualitative and quantitative analysis on the first round. I will never be a statistician when I grow up.I am taking advantage of my furlough day to work on my dissertation and hopefully help the body heal. It might be nice to have the extra day of healing but the lack of paycheck is going to hurt.

Got a good response rate for round 1, although some comments were unexpected. I know one response was that I should start over as I was on the completely wrong track. Not really what I wanted to hear, but it's interesting insights and maybe something for future research. While his insights were often valid, I'm not starting over the dissertation as they were mainly outside the scope of the research I am doing. It'll take a while to get all this done as it is. This research is not the be all end all of simulation in Allied Healthcare, in fact as the panelist noted it many ways it will probably leave more questions than answers, but you have to start somewhere.

I won't go into how I messed up the first round of surveys (save for Adobe Reader - doh). Don't know if that was just mental fatigue, oversight (I mean doesn't everyone have Acrobat Pro?), or if I would've done that without the chemo brain. Probably, who knows. Luckily most of the participants have stuck with me and have been very understanding. Not that  I have told anyone that I'm going through chemo or anything, I don't want anybody doing this out of guilt or bias anyone. Now I just have to hope they stick with me through the next two rounds. Now to do the qualitative analysis while the brain is half-asleep; this should be interesting. Lord give me strength and moments of clarity. Hopefully I learned my lesson on the first survey and can manage to send out a working survey for round  two.

On another note, anyone who's known me for a while knows I have a little bit of a temper. I've worked hard over the years to get it under control, and most of the time I think I do a pretty good job. But the fatigue, pain, steroids?, and yes the fear sometimes takes its toll; and in those moments its always those closest to me that seem to get caught in the crossfire. Those who are sacrificing to help me get better, to take care of me, and my house, and my dog. Those who deserve so much thanks and praise, and sometimes I let them down. I hope someday that I can make it right.

Fear, loathing and faith

I've been asked if I am angry, or if I blame God for my cancer. The honest answer is no. I really haven't felt anger, and I certainly don't think God punishes people by inflicting them with diseases (sorry you wacko televangilists). Why not me? Does anyone deserve this? No, but that doesn't mean I'm going to start smoking, dipping, and doing other things which are related to higher increases of cancer. Do I think we as a people have poisoned this planet willingly turning the air, food, and water toxic so a few may profit. Absolutely but that is a rant for another day. Do I wish there was a cut and dry scientific explanation for why me, you bet. Even a "it was all that ---- you ate or drank or whatever" would put the academic in me more at ease. Maybe some day they will understand more, but for today I choose to move past blame, anger and fear. I refuse to worry about what I should have done differnt as that is in the past, even if I knew what I should have done different I culdn't change it. I don't see God in my cancer, I see God in my healing, in the friends and family who surround me and pray for me, even those I have never met. When I say thank you for praying for me I mean it.

Now when I say I'm doing fine, that may be a lie. A lie to you (after all do you really want to know about the pain, fatigue, bloating, yucky mouth, hot flashes, forgetfulness ...) and a lie to me. Just pretend its fine and it will be right? There is a fine line between denial, courage, and stupidity. I seem to wobble on that line every day. At any moment I expect someone to call me out on the fact that I'm faking it, that I can't seem to focus or think straight. Some days it's all I can do to form a complete sentence, and yet here I am trying to fill in as Department Head, write a dissertation, finish a paper for publication, and oh yah let's write a blog. So why do it? Why keep trying to act like my legs aren't shaky, my nails aren't brittle, my muscles aren't screaming, and my IQ hasn't dropped by half? It's not just that I'm trying to fake my way through cancer I honestly don't know what else to do. If I let go for a moment I'm afraid I won't get up again even though there are times I just want to curl up in a corner and let the word go by. It feels that if I give up one thing it means I'm quitting and that seems to be the greatest sin of all.

Homage

I realize that I need to make it clear that I do not plan to use names in this blog and why. Partially it is because I owe so much to so many and I would hate to forget someone, but mainly it is because I do not feel it is my place. I try not to mention anyone by name here, or even give too  much detail about what they have personally said or done to help me, not because I am not appreciative, but because often it is not my story to tell. This is my personal journey and how I have chosen to deal with it, those who are there for me have their own stories and it is their choice how or if to tell them. I have been amazed and blessed by amazing friends, family, cohort members, and co-workers; and the ability to sit down and write this blog is partially due to their love, prayers, and support. There are some strong, courageous, and amazing survivors in my life, and I thank them for demonstrating how to move forward with my new reality. Some of these women I knew before I was diagnosed and they amazed me then, I am in their debt now. The impact of their support, and the support of others I have met along the way, cannot be overstated. They make me stronger simply by being there. Each and everyone of you who has asked me how I am, offered to help, sent cards and care packages, offered prayers, made me laugh, and have provided a shoulder to lean on, thank you. As much as this blog is to mark my journey it is also my tribute to you.

Round 7 - Is That Light at the End of the Tunnel a Train?

Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Only one more after today, which is good. I've hit the wall and the wall has hit back. Dr B is great as always. He is very happy with the progress and thinks everything looks like it is on schedule and responding well. So it looks like more tests three weeks after the next chemo, and then we'll visit the surgeon again.

Dr B  said all the blood work looks good and the fatigue, hot flashes, and muscle aches are to be expected. He and his nurse J did recommend a few things to try. So we will pick up a few more drugs. Oh joy oh rapture.  Just love taking more drugs. I gained 7 pounds between last treatment and this one, I blame the steroids and lack of exercise. I'm sure the carb cravings have nothing to do with it. Hard to exercise when you're tired and your muscles hurt, but I am still walking Mika most mornings, although Mom and Dad did take her to Austin for a few days. Poor puppy gets the short end of things these days. Thankfully Mom and Dad are willing to spoil her rotten and when things finally get back to normal there may be some pouting involved.

It is wonderful to see some of the same people at the treatment center. Sounds strange but you do make some nice connections when you see the same people week after week. Shared misery is easier to bare I guess. Have a new oncology nurse who is very nice, but still miss S. It will be nice when I never have to be here again, but I can't complain about the service.

Dissertation work continues. Results from Round One of my survey are being returned. Yeah! Not 100% return rate, but enough to get good data (I hope). I just have to keep my fingers crossed that everyone sticks it out for all 3 rounds. I did have a chemo brain moment when I first sent out the survey, forgot to save it so it was comparable with Adobe Reader duoh! Doesn't everyone have Adobe Pro? Now I have to figure out how to do all that statistical analysis I said I would do. Ah well, that's what the weekend is for, all 3 days of it now thanks to furlough. The extra day may be nice, but I just may cry when I see may pay check.