I finally started writing again. Of course I had to re-read my dissertation to remind myself what it is I was trying to do. Amazing how quickly we can forget even those things that are important to us. I'm sure there was point to all this research, but it's hard to pick up after a several month hiatus; especially one in which the brain took its own little extended vacation. Oh well, one step at a time and all that. At least I know longer feel as if I need a name tag so I remember who I am.
So will there be a New Year's resolution? I guess it's more of a new life resolution, one that's been building though out this whole mad trip that was 2013. “Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.” ― Mahatma Gandhi. OK, I admit it, I've been doing some soul searching as the end of the year approaches. I even found myself listening to a country song:
I was in my early forties
With a lot of life before me
When a moment came that stopped me on a dime
I spent most of the next days, looking at the x-rays
Talking bout the options and talking bout sweet times
I asked him when it sank in
That this might really be the real end
How's it hit 'cha when you get that kind of news?
Man, what'd ya do?
And he said
I went skydiving
I went rocky mountain climbing
I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu
And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin'
Tim McGraw - Live Like You Were Dying Lyrics | by Nichols, James Timothy/wiseman, Craig Michael.
I've been skydiving and rocky mountain climbing, but bull riding, not on the bucket list. I get the idea though. Stop waiting for tomorrow, and decide to be the person you want to be today. Over the last couple of years I seem to have forgotten how to be a friend, to myself and others. It just felt like too much effort with too little reward. I've been so stingy with spending money that I have put off doing things I've wanted to do, like traveling. Well, that ended up being a good thing as I kind of needed the extra funds this year, but still. I want to go and see and do things while I'm still young enough (relatively) to do them, and not just see places from the back of the bus. My first instinct was to stay home tonight, but instead I am going to get up, get dressed up, maybe even put on some make-up (maybe) and spend the new year with friends. My journey is not over yet, still have that surgery in January and numerous follow-ups, and follow-ups to the follow-ups, but it's time to join the living again.
Words cannot express how grateful I am for the family, friends, coworkers, and neighbors who supported me this year. So much gratitude to those who helped me keep a sense of humor, who checked-in, sent cards, and were just a source of strength by their very presence even if that presence was only virtual. This journey could not have been taken without you. You all make me want to be a better person, to be worthy of all that you have done. May you all have a wondrous 2014.
"At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us." - Albert Schweitzer
Well, it's Christmas. It hardly seems possible that it is nearly the end of December. We celebrated a day early as Dad is off to New England today to celebrate my cousin's wedding. I had so many plans for this year, "(Wo)man plans and God laughs." I was going to graduate, go to my cousin's wedding, maybe even take a celebratory trip. None of that happened. I've had to be content with watching from the side-lines (oh the joy of Facebook) and reminding myself to be grateful for what did go right this year. It is never easy to realize you have limits. Delayed gratification? That takes patience; not really something I'm known for. Strange as it may sound, my frustration concerning this year is less about having cancer and more about having to admit I couldn't do it all. "Once we accept our limits, we go beyond them" -Albert Einstein. Ah acceptance, some days that is easier than others.In other words, I'm still working on it.
The truth is I'm feeling better than I have in a long time. But with caveats (like you didn't know that was coming). I still have nerve pain in my back, my tummy scar still pulls, I swear my foobs swell in the cold weather, and my endurance is less than spectacular. I actually started going to the gym at work, and it's very sad how exhausted I get in 15 minutes. Mika and I actually made it around the entire neighborhood today, a walk I used to do every morning. Now it's just on days I don't have to work as it is a much slower jaunt than it used to be. I am trying to make peace with that; trying to not compare before and after. "We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves" - Dalai Lama. It is the season to reevaluate, and to give forgiveness. Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is ourselves, even though there should be no need to forgive ourselves for being human. Why do we expect so much from ourselves and get so upset when we cannot obtain the impossible?
“I don't know if I continue, even today, always liking myself. But what I
learned to do many years ago was to forgive myself. It is very
important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if
you live, you will make mistakes- it is inevitable. But once you do and
you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, 'Well, if I'd
known better I'd have done better,' that's all. So you say to people who
you think you may have injured, 'I'm sorry,' and then you say to
yourself, 'I'm sorry.' If we all hold on to the mistake, we can't see
our own glory in the mirror because we have the mistake between our
faces and the mirror; we can't see what we're capable of being. You can
ask forgiveness of others, but in the end the real forgiveness is in
one's own self. I think that young men and women are so caught by the
way they see themselves. Now mind you. When a larger society sees them
as unattractive, as threats, as too black or too white or too poor or
too fat or too thin or too sexual or too asexual, that's rough. But you
can overcome that. The real difficulty is to overcome how you think
about yourself. If we don't have that we never grow, we never learn, and
sure as hell we should never teach.”
― Maya_Angelou" - Maya Angelou
