And Another One Bites the Dust - Round 6

My first treatment without S as my oncology nurse, but L was very competent and friendly. I got several new prescriptions from Dr B for the muscle pain and watery eyes. I have given up the contacts all together, glad I spent the money on new glasses. Dr says without the steroid drops the watery eyes will turn to dry eyes, so I get to look like I'm perpetually crying. Surprisingly, despite how tired I feel my lab results are good. Dr B said my responses and side-effects are normal but I don't feel normal. I know compared to what they could be I'm lucky to have minimal side-effects, but it is still rough going. 

I did get out of the house this time and went to see Star Trek with a good friend. We are down to 11 days of furlough and as of July 8th will have one less day of pay every week. The loss of pay is going to hurt but I will have an extra day for healing without taking a sick day. Still working on the dissertation, but work is slower than I had hoped. Just feel so tired and the brain is in neutral. Really just want to curl up and forget about anything that requires thought, but that is just not an option.  

And the Last Woman Bales

So it is now official. The woman who was working as our supervisor filling in for the Col has given noticed. What is it that they know that I should know? Not that it matters, I can't go anywhere any time soon. I try to do my best as mock department head, but I have no actual authority. Everyone at work is nervous and not surprisingly moral is low. Of course there are those who seem to revel in causing discontent, but even the best people are struggling. I mean really, furlough, lack of stability, talk of RIFs, and no one to go to for support. At this point I have no desire to ever apply for the department head position. Let me go back to being a peon, and worry only about getting better. Of course I keep doing what I can at work, and hope that things get better when the new leadership gets on board.

Furlough ... Furlough Come and I Gotta Stay Home

Well we all knew it was coming, but today we got to officially "agree" to be furloughed. Here sign this letter saying you willingly take a 20% cut in pay because the politicians have convinced the American people that you are the enemy. It is your laziness and incompetence that is the cause of all that is wrong in this country and freezing your pay and demonizing you hasn't been enough. Now we take your pay, and that will make the country stronger. Why do people believe this crap? Why are so many willing to make other hard working people the source of their anger? Because we make so much? Seriously? Take a look on USA Jobs and see what we make, bet its less than a comparable job in the civilian sector. I know I took a pay cut when I went fed, but it was supposed to be stable. But now wanting stability is just more proof of what terrible people federal employees are. I truly hope people wake up some day and realize it is not the people who work for a living who are the enemy, it's those spouting hate and anger and trying to convince you that working against your own self-interest today will give you a better future. Of course I'm not holding my breath on this one.

Finally got IRB approval so started sending out invitations to participate. I am hoping for at least 25 individuals, but I'm starting later than I had hoped, so many of my invitations get out of office replies.  I hope not everyone is on summer break.         

Did Anyone Get That License Plate Number?

So much for my hope that the effects of the taxotere would be comparable to the first four treatments. I feel like I was hit by a truck. My mouth and throat are sore, the fatigue is more pronounced, my muscles ache and my toe nails look like they are wanting to fall out. They're tender but so far not to the point where I can't wear shoes. Using tea tree oil on finger and toe nails in hopes they can be saved. Only time will tell. The eyes have started randomly watering, now that's a fun side-effect, so I decide it's time to update my glasses. One more expense I hadn't planned on, but I can tell contacts are not going to be an option soon. Dr gave me some steroid drops for my eyes, that should keep them moist (watery). The option is for them to dry out, guess people will just have to get used to me looking like I'm crying for no apparent reason.  Bald, fat and weepy, I'm a real catch.

Well the hope that the insurance company would be logical and agree with my oncologist that moving treatments back to Monday would not be an issue has been dashed. Sure I can go back to Monday, if I pay for it. Jeesh, what difference does it make to them? But with furlough coming it just makes it a pain to do Tuesdays. I hope they'll let me move my furlough day to Tuesdays for those three weeks. Can't anything be easy?

The 5th Poisoning - Taxotere the 1st

Had to go in on Tuesday instead of Monday due to the holiday. The center was very busy as all of Monday's patients had to be moved to Tuesday. The holiday did make it possible to go to my nephew's graduation, but I hope it doesn't mean I'll have to stick with Tuesdays for chemo days here on out. Surely the insurance company will let me move back to Mondays (yah right). 

It is my last time with my chemo nurse S as she got a better job closer to home. Sad to see her go but know she's found a good opportunity for her. Now there is only one drug and this is given through the IV, so no more having to get the red stuff pushed by hand. This means it should go faster, but still have to watch for side-effects. Not sure what to expect with this one, hope side-effects are minimal. 

Still waiting for IRB approval on the dissertation, so making some edits and doing some research on who to invite to participate, but getting anxious waiting to get started. Not sure how the timing is going to work out with chemo treatments and then surgery. I'm hoping I can work the three survey rounds around my treatment schedule. Just hope I'll be able to make it so that I can go to Gainesville in the early fall to defend. I really don't want to pay for another semester, not to mention I am really ready to graduate. Hoping to have a social life in 2014, but first to get through 2013.

Graduation and a Last Day

Well the boss gave notice and will be moving on. She called to tell me as I was home dealing with the after effects of the last chemo. Totally unexpected but just one more change to deal with. Of course that also means I will be taking on the role, all the responsibility and none of the authority, or pay, until they can hire someone. Oh wait we're in a hiring freeze. Oh goody, this should be fun.

I actually manage to get out of town. Thanks to Mom and Dad and the RV I am actually able to go to Arizona to see my nephew graduate. It's a drive by in the truest sense of the word. Two days up, see graduation, two days back. I barely make it through graduation. Sitting on bleachers in the Arizona heat is not my idea of a good time, and the body is extremely unhappy, but what can you do? It is a nice ceremony and I actually managed to get a picture of him walking across the stage. Good thing for telephoto. I know Mom and Dad would have liked to have spent more time out there, but they sacrifice for my sake. Mika is allowed in the house and is introduced to the two cats. It is mostly peaceful, but I'm sure all animals are relieved when we pack up and go.

His graduation is also my boss's last day. Selfishly I'm worried about still being able to work from home as the Col is getting ready to PCS as well. At least there is one department head left who will be acting as our supervisor. I really do need to start playing the lottery.

Round 4 - Half Way There

After today there are only four more to go - only. The fatigue is becoming more pronounced and my weight continues to go up, and up. I'm still working, writing the dissertation, and working on a paper, but joke that its a good thing I have to wear ID at work so I can remember what my name is. I think I need to add an "If found return to ...." message on the back. Everything is harder, the poor puppy is getting shorter and slower walks. Good thing her grandpa is around a lot to take over the walking duties. Missed one day of work last round, we'll see how this time goes. Got to keep an eye on that leave. Haven't done FMLA paperwork, and hope I won't have to, but I suppose it's good to know it's there just in case. 

Of course the upcoming furlough may work in my favor as far as leave goes, but I can't really afford the pay cut. These out-of pocket expenses are starting to add up, but I've gotten a pretty eclectic collection of head scarves thanks to some friends and family. Everything from leopard print to pink to Bronco's colors. For once I can actually color coordinate my wardrobe. Wonder if there is someplace to donate these things once I'm done?

Red blood cell count was borderline this time. Also had low platelet count but Dr B gave the go ahead for the chemo. Really didn't want to get off schedule so while I expect the fatigue to come hard and fast I would rather move on than wait longer. Will be sure to force the fluids, bran, and prune juice to keep things moving this time. I feel like a woman twice my age and my diet sure looks like it. Have to limit eating raw veggies due to neutropenia and supposed to stay away from empty calories, but these days I really only listen to the carb cravings. Mmm tortillas .... time to try to eat something I think.

So Let's Write Another Paper

So what does one do for fun when going through chemo and trying to write a dissertation? You write another paper for publication of course. I decide to work with one of my professors and cohort members on a publication. This one I will first author. I mean if you're going to do it ... I wonder if I'm completely crazy, in denial, or just in need of something to do to help keep the mind occupied. Probably D, all of the above. I hope I haven't agreed to something I can't follow through on. Lord give me strength, and give me the wisdom to learn to say no.  

I decided that I needed something tangible to hold on to to track my progress. A countdown of sorts. I found a beaded necklace at the Pink Ribbon Shop and decide I will add a bead for each round. It comes with six, so will need to get two more at some point. Sometimes you just need something symbolic to hold onto. I know a countdown should start with eight and take one away each time, but then what would I be left with? Nope, might as well have something to show for all of this.

Dissertation Proposal Defense: Seriously

So the mind is mush. I want to go to back to bed and I have a sticky note with my name on it in hopes I don't forget what it is. That is only a slight exaggeration. I really don't feel up for this. I am glad I get to do my proposal defense virtually, I don't even have to be on camera. Just display my brilliant PowerPoint, haha. I really am glad they don't get to see me and my bald head, dark circles, and blank stare. I somehow manage to make it through the presentation. I only skipped one slide completely. I managed to fake my way through the questions and end up with only some minor changes before I can move forward. Next step IRB. We'll see how long that takes. Once that is done I can try to find willing participants. It may all be for naught if I can't find people willing to participate. 

Then again it may all be for naught if I can't get the brain to engage. How much longer can I fake it? I can't seem to compose a coherent sentence or keep a thought in my head. If I don't write it down it's forgotten forever. At least I think it is, I can't remember ...

Poisoning Round 3

This time I had chemo before seeing Dr B. Nurse S did the blood work and everything came back fine so we were good to go for another round of poisoning. Have gained five pounds. I mean seriously, can't I get a break? I blame the steroids, but still I'm going to have to go shopping for a mumu. Wonder if they'll let me wear sweats to work. Treatment went pretty quickly, only one more of this combination, then on to four treatments of the taxotere.  I hear that one can be rough. 

Dr B examined my lump and he concurs with my assessment that it is smaller. That's a good sign and we'll continue with the chemo.  I worked from home only one day after the last round, so all in all not too bad  as far as side-effects. Still I feel so tired. And what's with the hair around my ankles? Seriously? It falls out from everywhere except my lower legs. There is truly no justice in this world. I wish my eyebrow would finish falling out. They seem to have started in the middle and are slowly working their way out. Well it's a look.

Talk at work is that we may be down from 22 furlough days to 14. Why is it too much to ask for our elected officials to work things out without making people suffer for political points? I really need to win the lottery so I can afford my own private island. 

30s and 40s Support Group

Went to another support group today. Sometimes I still wonder if I'm in denial. Some women today seem to be overly fearful; no raw veggies, afraid to drink out of a water bottle, afraid to eat all. Why chose fear? I understand wanting answers, wanting a reason, but you still have to move forward. I don't I don't know why I got cancer so I don't know what to do or not to do in the future. Maybe it was all that Aqua Net in the girls locker room in High School. The 80s were pretty toxic as far as hair care products. I understand this is a frightening but all we can do is our best. Each woman is having a different experience of course and responding differently as well as coming from a different place, I must always remember never to compare.

Surprisingly I had my period this week. I guess we'll see what happens from here on out, if I ever have another one. Doctor says I may and I may not. I guess I will always have be prepared. Whee!

Bring On Round 2

Chemo round two. Saw Dr. B first and got EKG results. All normal. At least something was normal. Blood work surprisingly was well, normal, including white blood counts. Surprised but happy. Means I was good to go for second-round of poisoning. Hair is still falling out. Surprisingly being the really short is even more annoying than when it was shoulder length. Harder to clean up. Still waiting for the arm and leg hair to fallout though, it just doesn't seem right that I still  need to shave. I mean come on, give me something. 

Treatment went smoothly, no headache this time. Met some very nice people today, shared experience leads to shared comfort.  In the afternoon I start to feel a little headache coming on but not as bad as the first time. guess it is just time for a nap. 

Someday soon I will have to send the dissertation to my adviser and hopefully to my committee. Can't wait to do a defense with a chemo brain.