Did Anyone Get That License Plate Number?

So much for my hope that the effects of the taxotere would be comparable to the first four treatments. I feel like I was hit by a truck. My mouth and throat are sore, the fatigue is more pronounced, my muscles ache and my toe nails look like they are wanting to fall out. They're tender but so far not to the point where I can't wear shoes. Using tea tree oil on finger and toe nails in hopes they can be saved. Only time will tell. The eyes have started randomly watering, now that's a fun side-effect, so I decide it's time to update my glasses. One more expense I hadn't planned on, but I can tell contacts are not going to be an option soon. Dr gave me some steroid drops for my eyes, that should keep them moist (watery). The option is for them to dry out, guess people will just have to get used to me looking like I'm crying for no apparent reason.  Bald, fat and weepy, I'm a real catch.

Well the hope that the insurance company would be logical and agree with my oncologist that moving treatments back to Monday would not be an issue has been dashed. Sure I can go back to Monday, if I pay for it. Jeesh, what difference does it make to them? But with furlough coming it just makes it a pain to do Tuesdays. I hope they'll let me move my furlough day to Tuesdays for those three weeks. Can't anything be easy?

The 5th Poisoning - Taxotere the 1st

Had to go in on Tuesday instead of Monday due to the holiday. The center was very busy as all of Monday's patients had to be moved to Tuesday. The holiday did make it possible to go to my nephew's graduation, but I hope it doesn't mean I'll have to stick with Tuesdays for chemo days here on out. Surely the insurance company will let me move back to Mondays (yah right). 

It is my last time with my chemo nurse S as she got a better job closer to home. Sad to see her go but know she's found a good opportunity for her. Now there is only one drug and this is given through the IV, so no more having to get the red stuff pushed by hand. This means it should go faster, but still have to watch for side-effects. Not sure what to expect with this one, hope side-effects are minimal. 

Still waiting for IRB approval on the dissertation, so making some edits and doing some research on who to invite to participate, but getting anxious waiting to get started. Not sure how the timing is going to work out with chemo treatments and then surgery. I'm hoping I can work the three survey rounds around my treatment schedule. Just hope I'll be able to make it so that I can go to Gainesville in the early fall to defend. I really don't want to pay for another semester, not to mention I am really ready to graduate. Hoping to have a social life in 2014, but first to get through 2013.

Graduation and a Last Day

Well the boss gave notice and will be moving on. She called to tell me as I was home dealing with the after effects of the last chemo. Totally unexpected but just one more change to deal with. Of course that also means I will be taking on the role, all the responsibility and none of the authority, or pay, until they can hire someone. Oh wait we're in a hiring freeze. Oh goody, this should be fun.

I actually manage to get out of town. Thanks to Mom and Dad and the RV I am actually able to go to Arizona to see my nephew graduate. It's a drive by in the truest sense of the word. Two days up, see graduation, two days back. I barely make it through graduation. Sitting on bleachers in the Arizona heat is not my idea of a good time, and the body is extremely unhappy, but what can you do? It is a nice ceremony and I actually managed to get a picture of him walking across the stage. Good thing for telephoto. I know Mom and Dad would have liked to have spent more time out there, but they sacrifice for my sake. Mika is allowed in the house and is introduced to the two cats. It is mostly peaceful, but I'm sure all animals are relieved when we pack up and go.

His graduation is also my boss's last day. Selfishly I'm worried about still being able to work from home as the Col is getting ready to PCS as well. At least there is one department head left who will be acting as our supervisor. I really do need to start playing the lottery.

Round 4 - Half Way There

After today there are only four more to go - only. The fatigue is becoming more pronounced and my weight continues to go up, and up. I'm still working, writing the dissertation, and working on a paper, but joke that its a good thing I have to wear ID at work so I can remember what my name is. I think I need to add an "If found return to ...." message on the back. Everything is harder, the poor puppy is getting shorter and slower walks. Good thing her grandpa is around a lot to take over the walking duties. Missed one day of work last round, we'll see how this time goes. Got to keep an eye on that leave. Haven't done FMLA paperwork, and hope I won't have to, but I suppose it's good to know it's there just in case. 

Of course the upcoming furlough may work in my favor as far as leave goes, but I can't really afford the pay cut. These out-of pocket expenses are starting to add up, but I've gotten a pretty eclectic collection of head scarves thanks to some friends and family. Everything from leopard print to pink to Bronco's colors. For once I can actually color coordinate my wardrobe. Wonder if there is someplace to donate these things once I'm done?

Red blood cell count was borderline this time. Also had low platelet count but Dr B gave the go ahead for the chemo. Really didn't want to get off schedule so while I expect the fatigue to come hard and fast I would rather move on than wait longer. Will be sure to force the fluids, bran, and prune juice to keep things moving this time. I feel like a woman twice my age and my diet sure looks like it. Have to limit eating raw veggies due to neutropenia and supposed to stay away from empty calories, but these days I really only listen to the carb cravings. Mmm tortillas .... time to try to eat something I think.

So Let's Write Another Paper

So what does one do for fun when going through chemo and trying to write a dissertation? You write another paper for publication of course. I decide to work with one of my professors and cohort members on a publication. This one I will first author. I mean if you're going to do it ... I wonder if I'm completely crazy, in denial, or just in need of something to do to help keep the mind occupied. Probably D, all of the above. I hope I haven't agreed to something I can't follow through on. Lord give me strength, and give me the wisdom to learn to say no.  

I decided that I needed something tangible to hold on to to track my progress. A countdown of sorts. I found a beaded necklace at the Pink Ribbon Shop and decide I will add a bead for each round. It comes with six, so will need to get two more at some point. Sometimes you just need something symbolic to hold onto. I know a countdown should start with eight and take one away each time, but then what would I be left with? Nope, might as well have something to show for all of this.

Dissertation Proposal Defense: Seriously

So the mind is mush. I want to go to back to bed and I have a sticky note with my name on it in hopes I don't forget what it is. That is only a slight exaggeration. I really don't feel up for this. I am glad I get to do my proposal defense virtually, I don't even have to be on camera. Just display my brilliant PowerPoint, haha. I really am glad they don't get to see me and my bald head, dark circles, and blank stare. I somehow manage to make it through the presentation. I only skipped one slide completely. I managed to fake my way through the questions and end up with only some minor changes before I can move forward. Next step IRB. We'll see how long that takes. Once that is done I can try to find willing participants. It may all be for naught if I can't find people willing to participate. 

Then again it may all be for naught if I can't get the brain to engage. How much longer can I fake it? I can't seem to compose a coherent sentence or keep a thought in my head. If I don't write it down it's forgotten forever. At least I think it is, I can't remember ...

Poisoning Round 3

This time I had chemo before seeing Dr B. Nurse S did the blood work and everything came back fine so we were good to go for another round of poisoning. Have gained five pounds. I mean seriously, can't I get a break? I blame the steroids, but still I'm going to have to go shopping for a mumu. Wonder if they'll let me wear sweats to work. Treatment went pretty quickly, only one more of this combination, then on to four treatments of the taxotere.  I hear that one can be rough. 

Dr B examined my lump and he concurs with my assessment that it is smaller. That's a good sign and we'll continue with the chemo.  I worked from home only one day after the last round, so all in all not too bad  as far as side-effects. Still I feel so tired. And what's with the hair around my ankles? Seriously? It falls out from everywhere except my lower legs. There is truly no justice in this world. I wish my eyebrow would finish falling out. They seem to have started in the middle and are slowly working their way out. Well it's a look.

Talk at work is that we may be down from 22 furlough days to 14. Why is it too much to ask for our elected officials to work things out without making people suffer for political points? I really need to win the lottery so I can afford my own private island. 

30s and 40s Support Group

Went to another support group today. Sometimes I still wonder if I'm in denial. Some women today seem to be overly fearful; no raw veggies, afraid to drink out of a water bottle, afraid to eat all. Why chose fear? I understand wanting answers, wanting a reason, but you still have to move forward. I don't I don't know why I got cancer so I don't know what to do or not to do in the future. Maybe it was all that Aqua Net in the girls locker room in High School. The 80s were pretty toxic as far as hair care products. I understand this is a frightening but all we can do is our best. Each woman is having a different experience of course and responding differently as well as coming from a different place, I must always remember never to compare.

Surprisingly I had my period this week. I guess we'll see what happens from here on out, if I ever have another one. Doctor says I may and I may not. I guess I will always have be prepared. Whee!

Bring On Round 2

Chemo round two. Saw Dr. B first and got EKG results. All normal. At least something was normal. Blood work surprisingly was well, normal, including white blood counts. Surprised but happy. Means I was good to go for second-round of poisoning. Hair is still falling out. Surprisingly being the really short is even more annoying than when it was shoulder length. Harder to clean up. Still waiting for the arm and leg hair to fallout though, it just doesn't seem right that I still  need to shave. I mean come on, give me something. 

Treatment went smoothly, no headache this time. Met some very nice people today, shared experience leads to shared comfort.  In the afternoon I start to feel a little headache coming on but not as bad as the first time. guess it is just time for a nap. 

Someday soon I will have to send the dissertation to my adviser and hopefully to my committee. Can't wait to do a defense with a chemo brain.

Dissertation Proposal, the Response

Was pleasantly surprised at my adviser's response to my proposal. He feels I'm ready to schedule the defense. Can't say I'm unhappy about the kind words and support, but I did expect to do some more work. Not that there isn't work to be done, but first thing to do is put together my presentation and schedule four professors for my proposal defense. Now if I can just remember what I wrote. I know this stuff, I really do, but it's getting harder and harder to string two sentences together in a manner that makes any sense, even to myself. I hate feeling incompetent, unprepared, or just plane stupid. I know I haven't completely lost my mind but I'm having a hard time finding it these days. I often feel like I'm faking it these days, those long pauses aren't for deep thinking, they're for trying to remember the most basic things, like my name. I am so glad for the support I have from my parents, relatives, Facebook group, coworkers and others. I know I couldn't do this alone. Now to put some notes together so I can pretend to know what I'm talking about.

Oh and that Dissertation Thingy

I finally submitted my dissertation proposal today. Only three months later than I had wanted to, but hey, at least I have an excuse now right? At least that's what I'm telling myself. We'll see how many edits there are and how much work there is to do before I can do the proposal defense. Luckily a couple of my cohort members to a good swipe at it first. Can't wait for the defense with the brain stuck in neutral. Luckily I don't have to go to Gainesville to do the defense, I can do it online. Good thing for technology. I will still have to go when and if I have to do the actual defense at the end of this thing, but first thing first. Get the proposal approved, get the IRB approved, figure out how to get experts to volunteer for my survey panel. No problem, it will be easy I'm sure. Yah right. There's my friend denial again.

 

H-Day

Well it's finally started, the hair started falling out Tuesday night. I knew it was coming, still I somehow hoped I would be saved from it. Yup I still got boat floating on that river in Egypt. It's a mess, hair everywhere. Decided to have it shaved today to give me the weekend to get used to it. Did not realize it would actually be irritating and the scalp would be so sensitive. It's as if I can feel every little follicle of hair trying to pull out of my scalp. Hope I don't have a warped shaped head. Maybe it'll be coned shaped and I can get a job on Saturday Night Live.

We take the bar stool out to the backyard and dad went to town with his clippers. Straight down the middle, no turning back now. Not completely bald, left about three quarters of an inch. Hopefully the birds will be happy with all that nest filler. Mom took pictures while I was being shaved. It wasn't quite as hard as I thought it would be, but then that might just be more denial. Posted pictures on my Facebook group and everyone was very kind.

In the meantime poor Mika has been diagnosed with arthritis. Poor puppy is now on meds too. Boy is she expensive, but silly girl is worth it.