Amazing news, my dissertation has been approved to move forward for defense. Now I just have to remember what I wrote and present it in a manner that makes it appear I know what I'm talking about. I am so excited to finally be at this point, but must admit that just the thought of the trip to Gainesville exhausts me. My amazing father has decided to escort me and I admit that while I want to believe I am capable of doing this on my own, it is a relief.
Visited Dr B today. Reminded me to start taking aspirin about a week before my flight. He also started me on another drug to deal with the hot flashes. Wonder what I will need to take to deal with the side-effect of this drug? It seems like a never ending cycle. I'm not sure it has really hit me yet that I am on the maintenance stage. There are no more treatments or surgeries, except for the foob tattoos, but really the hard stuff is over. I have great hope for 2014, a new beginning of sorts. I wonder what I will do with all my extra time? Maybe get a life?
I told someone that I was no evidence of disease (NED) and he replied, be glad they don't call it "no evidence of remaining disease." Then they would call you NERD. I laughed so hard, that would be so appropriate.
“Because one believes in oneself, one doesn't try to convince others.
Because one is content with oneself, one doesn't need others' approval.
Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.”
―
Laozi
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' - Eleanor Roosevelt
Anniversaries are funny things. They are ways to celebrate joyous moments, but they are also there to remind you of those things that changed your life, and not always for the better. One year ago I got my first mammogram, and was convinced there was nothing really wrong. The little voice in my head started whimpering when they wanted to do an ultrasound, but it didn't start screaming until the radiologist wanted to see me. That seems so long ago now, and yet it has also been the shortest of years. Life now is broken into BBC and ABC. No, not British Broadcasting and American Broadcasting, but Before Breast Cancer and After Breast Cancer. Or maybe it should be BF and AF, Before Foobs and After Foobs.
Don't wish me happiness
- I don't expect to be happy it's gotten beyond that, somehow. Wish me
courage and strength and a sense of humor - I will need them all. - Anne
Morrow Lindbergh
So very true, survival is more than just putting one foot in front of the other, it's laughing when you trip over your own feet. Laughter and friendship make even the worst days possible to deal with. It is said you never
know how strong you are until you are tested, and this year has been
more of a test than I ever wanted. Yet as I look towards the end of this
journey, and at the end of my life as a doctoral student, I wonder what am I going to do with all this extra time and energy?
Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend. - Albert Camus
I have been so blessed with the team I have had throughout this journey: friends, family, and medical. I hope that some day I can pay it forward. To face adversary and survive is wonderful, but to use this journey to help others I think is the next part of the journey.
No really, guess. Yup it's another doctor's appointment. This time with the oncology surgeon. The good news, the visit was short and sweet. Just a quick check of the foobs, some talk about how we will move forward, and some updates. This kind of doctor's appointment I can handle. Of course there are more appointments with more doctors coming up, but it seems to be nearly manageable now. I guess the docs will have to find someone else to buy their Porsche now. I am still waiting for the body to feel "normal," to feel like my body again, to not be ever aware of the foobs and to sit up without the tummy scar reminding me of its presence. Still trying to deal with fatigue, nearly walked the dog in my sleep the other day, as I swear I was nodding off as we rounded the block. I can almost see the finish line, but I can't help but wish I'd already crossed it.
In other news, I have delivered a complete draft of my dissertation to my adviser. I get to be happy about that for a few days while he reviews it. Then ... well guess I'll deal with it when it happens. No sense second guessing what I wrote.
Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude. - Thomas Jefferson
